you're a voice that never sings, is what I say

But now that the sun sets

Wasn’t it a perfect storm?

The thing about the whole getting drunk thing that really bothers me now is not so much that it happened. Granted there are things about it that I don’t like, but overall I don’t care. It has driven me nuts the way so many of the people I know react to the information with an awkward “hmmmm…..well…..that’s not good” and look down with awkward disapproval. So this is what it feels like to be on the outside, I have always felt like an outsider but usually people don’t seem to notice it. This time they did. The only people who seem to be at all amused are Elaine, Ryan, Stacy, and my dad. This was a new experience and of course I want to talk about. Why then do these people insist on acting as though I wronged them or embarrassed them in some way? The only people I embarrassed were myself and Stacy. Then-in is my only regret. So Stacy if you read this here is my apology.

1. I’m sorry I got so hammered I wasn’t able to look out for you. Next time we go out, I’ll stay sober enough that we can look out for each other.
2. When I left I am really sorry I didn’t make sure you were ok for getting home yourself, which was negligent.
3. Lastly I’m sorry I ended our night at 11. The U2 cover band hadn’t even come out yet and I regret it largely because I had such a good time with you I wish it could have lasted longer.

That, as far as I am concerned, is the only thing that needs apology and the only thing I feel bad about.

WWJDD

On and on, reckless abandon

Something's wrong, this is gonna shock them

Well what update about my life would be complete without some recounting of my Saint Patrick’s Day first. Ladies and Gentlemen I, Jeff Eckmann, got totally hammered. I had no intention of becoming drunk….it just sort of happened. To make the point that I am not exaggerating let me explain. I couldn’t see my cell phone when I held it in front of my face…it was too blurry. Ok where to start.

Elaine is in Alaska this week visiting her sister. She knew I had always wanted to go to the Irish festival on St. Patrick’s Day at Kells Irish Pub downtown. Since she wouldn’t be here she set it up so I would go with Stacy our close mutual friend and several other friends. In the end everyone was unable to attend except Stacy and I. I was dropped off there an hour and a half or so before her. I got a few beers…three I think. Then I went into the Kells portion to listen to the traditional Irish band. There was this girl doing traditional Irish dances there which totally rocked. The only reason I mention her here is she crops up later in the story. Stacy arrived latter and by then I might have been close to tipsy. We went together and got another beer, and a shot of whiskey….or was it a shot of whiskey and then another beer…I don’t know. This is when the memories start to get a bit disjointed. At some point I got a free tee-shirt…I dropped it so much that Stacy had me put it on so I wouldn’t lose it. At some point we got free cups…at some point we filled them an indeterminate number of times with alcohol. When we were back in the tent I was telling Stacy about the dancing girl. I remember this part fairly well so I can narrate it.
Me: “Yeah that awesome girl who was dancing is that girl in the green tank top.”
Stace: “Ok, follow me.”
Me: “Wait…why? Where are we going?”
Stace proceeds to walk over to the girl and start talking to her. The rock band is loud and I don’t here a single word of it. The dancing girl looks at me and holds out her hand.
Girl: “Here.”
Me: “Ok….”
I take her hand and she leads me to an open space.
Girl: “Now hold my hand up in the air like this.”
I do and then she does a few turns of dancing around me.
Girl: “There you go.”
Me: “uhhh…Thanks a lot.”
I sheepishly walk back to Stacy who is trying not to laugh. We walk away and she starts laughing.
Me: “What the hell was that?! I couldn’t hear a word you said.”
Stace: “I told her I heard she was a great dancer. And she asked if I had heard it from the guy standing next to me and I said that you said that if I talked to her that she would dance with you.”
Me: “Are you serious?”
It was pretty funny actually, even then. I am pretty sure that I know now what kind of drunk I am, though Stacy is really the only one who can know for sure. I am not a mean drunk, or a loud drunk. I am a maudlin drunk. I am one of those guys who gets really emotional and does the whole “no seriously, you are the greatest friend I really love you, no seriously I mean it” thing. I think at one point I might have even kissed Stacy on the top of the head (like you would a child) to make the point clear. That was the part of the story that Ryan Sey laughed the hardest at; me, sloppy drunk and emotional, kissing Stacy on the top of the head like she was five just because of what kind of a drunk I am. I view her almost as a sister so I don’t feel weird that it happened at all. Still though overall, being drunk wasn’t my proudest moment. The whole last part I was so gone that if I didn’t have a wall to lean on I had to hold on to Stacy to keep from falling on my ass. I was even marked by an alcohol monitor with the red X of inebriation. Stace had gone to the bathroom and I was leaning against a wall and this guy walks up to me. “Can I see your hands?” He says. And though I think its an odd request (I couldn’t actually see straight enough to know he was an alcohol monitor at the moment) I gave him my hands which he marked with a big red X. Stace came back and explained what it meant..We tried to remove it….but they planned for that and used semi-permanent marker. Those tricksy devils. And as far as memories go that about covers it. I did try to buy Stacy a drink. We went to the bar proper and I pulled out a ten…..after I wrestled my wallet out of my pocket…not an easy feat. To be honest removing the ten was just as hard and getting the ten to the right spot on the bar took a couple tries. The bar tender took one look at me…one look at the ten and then he helped somebody else. Stacy took the ten and got the beer for us. I don’t know if we both got one or just her. By that point anytime we walked anywhere I had to hold her hand so I wound up in the right place. Needless to say by 11:30 Stacy helped me call my sister to drive me home. I spent the next two days recovering. Apparently since that was the first time I have ever been drunk in 26 years of life my liver had a rough time of it. Sort of like if you only ever painted with those paint by the numbers, just add water sets and suddenly someone gave you oil paints and expected a well executed Flemish landscape by the weekend.
So there go folks….as Ryan says it “wwjdd.” What Would Jeff Do Drunk. I wish I could remember that myself.

Stacy, I can't thank you enough. Thanks for being my gaurdian angel, keeping me upright, and making sure I left with my free shirt. You're a great friend, and no I havent been drinking again.

Sure it looks like a Quagga, but does it taste like a Quagga?

The title is a direct quote from Ruedas, my conservation biology professor and one of my favorite teachers of all time.

Well it’s come to my attention that I haven’t posted a blog in two months. Two months…that’s some serious neglect. So what’s going on in the world of Jeff? Well I finished up the term this week. I have to say I liked my classes a lot and I feel like I did pretty well in them. Even if I did let myself get a little under the gun at the end.
Elaine: “So when’s this 10 page research paper due?”
Jeff: “Oh……well….Tuesday.”
Elaine: “This Tuesday?! It’s already Friday!”
Jeff: “Look I’ll get it done…..then I’ll write the other paper for Wednesday and then get my in class presentation good to go for Friday.”
But hey it came together; my paper was pretty damn good. The two classes for those interested in the details were Conservation Biology, and Ecology of Rivers and Streams. Just for kicks I will share some highlights and memorable characters.

First I present the “Loud Guy” from conservation biology.
He was the guy who always had to put in his own two dollars to every conversation. One of those guys who always uses the animal’s scientific name, even if he doesn’t know it. One of those guys who says things like, “oh yeah like the Potamopyrgus antipodaru, I heard those are all over the place in Colorado” on a regular basis. I will present my personal favorite moment.
The guy starts off in class on a tangent about some animal.
Girl next to me turns to me and says: “I don’t think that he knows what animal he’s talking about. He said concolor and I am pretty sure that’s a cougar…..but I think he is trying to talk about a toad.”
Me: “Well….what can you do. Trying to look smart can get squirrelly on you pretty quick.”

Next I present the “The Professor Needs My Approval Girl” from stream ecology.
She was the girl who nodded enthusiastically to every point the teacher made. Without fail she would give some assent, be it just barley audible or through obvious body language.

There was the “Naive Girl” from conservation biology who got manhandled by the teacher on the last day of class when she said that one could “take the conservation lessons learned in the class to poorer nations and educate them on stewardship so they could apply them to their natural resources.” If anyone doesn’t see the inherent stupidity in this statement I can elaborate for you. The professor response was awesome.

One thing these classes did for me was give these weird moments where I actually felt smart. I mean really ahead of the game. Just times when I could see the flaws in the others statements even before the teacher pointed them out. I haven’t ever felt more than average and so those rare moments were I do feel more than that are really surreal for me. Like the time when we picked topics for the in class presentations.

At the front of the room is a list of possible topics. Under invasive species are aquatic plants, or invasive fish species. Both topics catch my eye but while I am deciding a girl comes up to the front.
Girl: “Do you mind if I slip in here and sign up.”
Me: “Oh, by all means, go for it.”
The girl selects aquatic plants and goes back to her seat.
I sing up for invasive fish species and sit down too.
Girl: “What did you sign up for?”
Me: “Invasive fish species, I know a bit about it already. What about you?”
Girl: “Aquatic plants…”
Me: “Oh cool, I almost signed up for that one. It’s a really good topic. The Mediterranean is fairly overrun already, a lot of these plants they can’t even stop. All it takes for the worst one is a plant fragment for it to grow and establish itself.” I was starting to warm to the topic.
Girl: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah….its a pretty big deal.” I had assumed people just generally knew this stuff.
Girl: “Oh….I just chose it ‘cause I thought it would be easy.”
Me: “Yeah, it should be.”
And then that was it and it occurred to me she had asked not because she cared about the topics. She had just wanted to chat with me. “Look”, I thought “talking about ideas and animals I can do. I can do it like a champ. However if it’s small talk you want, some sort of relational beginning, then unfortunately I got nothing. May I suggest the loud guy for that endeavor, sure his jokes are terrible but I can assure you he can do the small talk thing. He likes that.”

Soooo where was I? Oh yeah class was good and now its over until the next term.

Next term; Ecology and Biology of Phytoplankton, and I am pretty excited. Biology of Phytoplankton….can I get a hell yes.

Truth Of My Youth

It’s 11:30 and I’m sitting alone downstairs. I should be cleaning, or beginning the process of moving furniture back into the upstairs but instead I am here glancing at old friends blogs and myspace pages asking myself why I bother anymore. Generally at some point history becomes irrelevant, and a lot of what we deem history is merely imagined or experienced only within ourselves.
Were I left to myself I would have eaten out tonight and rented Dragon Wars and gotten tanked alone eating caramel-toffee scones in the basement. Elaine says I have fallen out of the habit of being alone since California. She’s partially right. I know it’s been years, but I miss nights where the party never really ended you just joined with different groups over the course of it.
This I suppose puts an odd counterpoint to the fact that I started my Master’s classes. I had planned to begin to get journal articles together and begin on any one of a handful of major papers and presentations required by my classes. I am stressed out about this graduate deal and I am desperate to do really well in these classes. The thing holding me till Monday is my ability to access both the online content of my classes and the libraries journal network expired and I can’t restart it over the phone. Meaning on Monday I have to walk into the college network overlord’s basement. “Can I have a new password?” “Oh sure…..sit over there for an hour and then I’ll give you a sixteen digit binary code that will be impossible for you to remember and I am unwilling to write down.”
I have been trying to write down the stories I created in my head but its slow going and the results are disappointing.
My time has been consumed by home improvement projects and now that that is winding down I think it will take another three days before I even begin to feel settled in my own home again.

I need to go and clean the basement…..*sigh*

The morning after

So this is the new year.

And i don't feel any different.

The clanking of crystal

Explosions off in the distance.

So this is the new year

And I have no resolutions

For self assigned penance

For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on

Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once

Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn

As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days

Then i could travel just by folding a map

No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways

There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

The fading holidays

Merry Christmas All!!!

To commemorate the holiday I present Imogen Heap lyrics.
I can relate to them from my own holiday experiences over the years.

Just for now

It's that time of year

Leave all our hopelessness's aside

If just for now (just for now) leave awhile

tears stop right here

I know we've all had a bumpy ride.

I'm secretly on your side

How did you know?

It's what I always wanted

Could never have had too many of these

Well I, quit kicking me under the table

I'm trying; will somebody make her shut up about it?

Can we settle down please?

It's that time of year

Leave all our hopelessness's aside

If just for now (just for now) leave awhile

tears stop right here

I know we've all had a bumpy ride.

I'm secretly on your side

Lie down

Deep breaths

Count to ten

Nod your head

I think something is burning

Now you've ruined the whole thing

Muffle the smoke alarm

Whoever put on this music?

Better quick shop remove it

Pour me another

Oh, don't wag your finger at me

It's that time of year

Leave all our hopelessness's aside

If just for now (just for now) leave awhile

tears stop right here

I know we've all had a bumpy ride.

I'm secretly on your side

Get me outta here

Get me outta here

The Return

Well I am back in Oregon now. I have returned from my stint in Los Angeles. It has been pointed out that I need to update my blog.
I enjoyed the job I did in Long Beach. The internship at the Aquarium of the Pacific was educational and will look good on a resume. Granted there was still a lot left unlearned when I left, but that was just an unavoidable byproduct of the constraints imposed in the nature of the internship. I spent most of my working time doing fairly routine feedings, maintenance, and other animal care. Much of what I did sounds a lot more exotic than it actually is (i.e. feeding Black Tip Sharks). Than again mot many people get to do things like that so who’s to say what’s exotic or not, it all depends on the standards of comparison. I won’t go into detail about the specifics of what I did here since most people wouldn’t know what I was talking about anyway. If anyone has any specific questions I will answer them but in this forum I will be vague. I was scheduled to work twenty hours a week but I worked late most days. I can see myself doing this job or something similar for a career. I was deeply content at work. I tend to rate the jobs I have had by the baseline feeling I have for them. I was interested in staying on but as I am now I am not considered really ready. I need my master’s, a dive certification, and more experience. So I have moved back to Portland to try to accomplish those goals. When I wasn’t working I just hung out with my friends. It was like finally being done, being free of the unending struggle to reach a place in my life where I can say I have arrived at a destination. I got a lot of the you're “reliving college again” sentiment from others and I think it was an inaccurate assumption. Life is better lived in close community with ample time to pursue your hobbies and interests. By all means work hard, but there is much more to life than that.
So that I guess is the job summary. I spent three months working in an ongoing effort to pursue my strange obsession. The ocean and its denizens fill me with a great sense of joy and wonder, I can lose myself in them for hours. I figure I have to work, and I figure that though I may not be the best at fisheries science I don’t feel nearly as passionate about anything else. So you have to do what you love.

The other most significant part of the three months was living with Ryan and living close to Eric. I am back in Oregon now and it is colder here, in every way. I miss already the relational closeness I feel toward those men. Forgive me if I become maudlin, I blame Sigur Ros who is supplying this posts soundtrack. Here in Portland my relationships are either figments, strained in odd ways by circumstance, or just beginning. I once wrote of this place as an empty place where ghosts lived, overdramatic certainly, but somewhat accurate. What can I say for the three months I lived with my best friends? These are people I could tell anything, there are no secrets. I already have had the urge to drive south again. My friends down there are the greatest men I have ever known.

So I am here in Portland trying to find my way again.