Post 2...(if I had a bakery)

While I was in Michigan I got this idea for a bakery name.
So I present to you the bakery I don’t own…

I also thought it would be interesting if the quote on your tombstone was the last sentence you said while still alive. If that were the case and I was about to be in an obviously fatal car crash, I hope I would have the presence of mind to turn to whoever else was in the car and say “prepare to end your life in a glorious fashion”!

Michigan part 1 (Henry Ford Museum)

So now that I am well over two weeks overdue, it’s time for me to post. I begin with the Michigan trip. Elaine has pretty well covered a generalized timeline of each day and, as such, I feel no need to repost the same thing. Simply put, it was a decent trip. I mostly enjoyed myself despite spending a significant part of our time with strangers and tending several accident prone children. So, outside of the wedding stuff, I will post the events of most interest to me.

We will begin with the Henry Ford museum. I like museums and so our time there was a well spent afternoon. Let’s just say it had huge, and I mean HUGE, trains - a tank seems flimsy and small by comparison. I was impressed. The museum is dedicated to transportation which means that some of the exhibits were….not so impressive. It is true that cars like the 1980ish Honda Accord do represent significant steps forward in the automotive trade, but the fact remains…it’s a 1980 Honda Accord and nobody is impressed. I passed at least 5 cars that were in the museum... and also in the parking lot. That aside, it had a lot of very cool stuff.
The other thing that was weird was that since it was a “transportation etc.” museum, they didn't address anything war related or anything that had military connotations. It kind of annoyed me. Not that they were trying to, but I hate it when people ignore parts of history. History is what it is and it should not be censored or modified just because some aspects of it are uncomfortable. Even in the darkest parts of our past there are still valuable lessons to be learned and valuable innovations it would be foolish to ignore just because their setting is awkward.

In the section on flight they omitted World War I and World War II. Never mind the fact that virtually all advances in aircraft technology arose from military research and applications initially designed for war. It made the exhibit choppy. I mean, you look at one exhibit and it’s a very early model French plane; the next exhibit is a Curtis Jenny with a huge number of advances and technological improvements that were developed over the course of WWI.

Oh well... it was still a cool museum.

The other aspect of the museum that really almost deserves a post on its own was the live music. They were called the Mom Candy Band - that should say a lot on its own. The musicians (a term I use loosely here) were three women in their 40s. The vocals were, how I say this nicely…abysmal. The biggest problem, however, was their song choices. The ABC song is simply the ABC song. It doesn’t matter how fast you play it, how many guitar hooks you throw at it, whether you attempt the lyrics as if you were a emo-screamcore band, or try to harmonize with your band members - it is still the ABC song. No matter what you do, it will never “rock.” The same goes for Oh Susanna, Frere Jacques, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or any song designed specifically for an audience that has difficulties with basic motor skills (and yes I know Oh Susanna is a traditional American folk melody but irregardless at this point it is a kid’s song despite its history). Needless to say, they played all these songs in a fast, scream core style.

Yes there were a few kids there who seemed to like them and danced to their songs, but those kids were a very undiscerning audience who would have danced to a recording of cats yowling played at high speed. Mostly, people avoided the portion of the museum where they were playing. Come enjoy the trains but for your own sanity bring ear protection.

The other thing that I thought was odd was that on the museum’s signs they have as a subtext stating: “the best museum in the united states”. This seems a bit presumptuous to me; better than the Smithsonian? Really? You want to claim that? Ok.

I got to thinking - what if museums were honest about their limitations? Maybe it would look something like this:

If you can't read the subtext it says "you wouldn'y fly out here to visit us, but since you're here you might as well."

Posts about Michigan to come soon.

Remember that goldfish you flushed down the toilet?

He remembers you too.

You know, good night

Well as Elaine already said we saw Coheed & Cambria. The show was awesome…I got a kick ass shirt. We were closer to the stage than I have ever been at any concert. The sound quality was pretty poor due to the venue but its Coheed…and that’s never less than awesome.
It was Elaine’s first true concert experience. And that was an amusing thing in itself. Allow me to expound.

Elaine: *on the way there* “We should hurry so we get good seats.”
Jeff: “Seats?”
Elaine: *with confusion* “Well you know….so we can sit in the front middle and get a good view.”
Jeff: “Yeah about that…..there won’t be seats.”
Elaine: *shock* “What? You mean we’ll have to stand the whole time?”
Jeff: *with grim finality* “Yeah….concerts like this…seats become fatal.”
Elaine: “Really……..oh.”

Elaine: *During the show* “These girls in front of me are pissing me off!!”
Jeff: “What are they doing?”
Elaine: “They keep bumping into me and stepping on my feet!!”
Jeff *ponders how to explain this* “Yeah…they are going to do that…in fact I suggest dispensing with any concept of personal space... at a concert like this it doesn’t exist.”
Elaine: *considering that for a moment* “Well ok, but trade spots with me.”
Jeff *slides into position and immediately ends up close enough to the girls to get a harassment suite anywhere else*

Don’t get me wrong Elaine came around and was soon in the front packed tight with enraptured people covered in sweat having a wonderful time. It was just funny to me, watching her experience the scene for the first time.

The end complete

Come break me down

Bury me, bury me
That’s what you get
When let heart win
Emotive unstable like an unwinding cable car

Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are

Glory, glorious.

Oh, I don't know how I was made.
And why do we like to hurt so much?
And why, all the possibilities
Well, I was wrong
I have a ringing in my head

And no one to help me answer it

Even with you close enough to kiss.
Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk
Say whatever you want

'Cause I can laugh it off.
But thinking about it can't help me let go, I know.
I must look like I'm running away

To you at your faster pace

I wonder what it is you could have seen, in me.
Glory, glorious.
We are glory, glorious.
Not from what good we have done
But from being the least.

Then your love came to me

Stood next to mine, and I saw that I was poor.
This is the correlation of salvation and love

Don't drop your arms
Don't soon forget
Grace marked your heart
Don't drop your arms

Elaine had the first shot at it so by this point much of what I would say would be just reiteration but blogs were built to be updated just as birds were built to fly. By now the results of the second ultrasound, our child’s death and Elaine’s subsequent medical care are well known. I compiled the choppy pseudo-poem thing at the front of the post entirely from a handful of songs/music videos that I watched almost exclusively during the 2 or 3 day crisis climax. I tried to use the lyrics to embody all I felt and arrange them in such a way to give an indication of my progression of thought. Lord only knows if it worked.
I almost put a post on my blog the very day before the second ultrasound and I was going to say something about how things were 90% angled towards a good resolution, that’s how confident I was, I am glad now I restrained myself. And what is there to say about it really? What do you do with it? That was where I stalled out. Because as early as it was in the pregnancy it was almost losing an idea, a possible future, something you wanted and was close enough to touch….just barley. I never even knew the gender, something that basic and we never even knew. I am ok with it now? Was I then? I don’t know. I was sitting there and when I first found out from the ultrasound tech I wanted to throw the novel I was reading at the wall. The bitterness being of course, everything else has gone wrong. But that passed and it passed quickly because I am one of those people who shunt the emotions aside to do what needs be done. “Ok, what do we do next? What are our options now?” Really it’s a survival method, keeps you functional even with the building falling around your feet. After that it fades back in slowly.
So, after the initial crisis after we reached decisions about what course of action to take, how did it feel? It was like this, a weary emptiness…and that “what do I do with what happened" feeling.
I mean I saw the heart beat….and now there isn’t anything…what do you do with that? It never even had a name or a gender that we knew but it was still our child…..what do I do with that? Helplessness is the shot and emptiness is the chaser. But it’s the kind of thing, at least for me, you don’t want to talk about…out with good friends, parties if you can find them, and a bit of alcohol that’s how you ease back into static life again. Still though depression from that and the, what I would term, betrayal by a friend in conjunction are still in my system somewhere and even though they aren’t constant companions they still drop by for visits every now and then.
But overall, Elaine and I are ok. I am really fine with the lost of my child, in the sense that I understand why it had to leave and I can support the reasons. A lot of people expect some anger towards God in this but I have none. He created the very complex biological systems that regulate our physical selves and he put in them safeguards. Our child was suffering from the curse of sin and death and rather than being born into this world with deep physical problems it was lucky enough to pass painlessly on to a future that I can only believe is better. If anything God has shown his love through the concern and prayers of our friends and church. In the comfort my wife has receive from God and can only raise my arms in praise.
And that’s where it ends, my faith in God and his fundamental goodness unshaken. I am doing well now, looking forward to trying again. Yes I am still sad sometimes but mild depression has been one of the few constants in my life.

You were the beauty, that we had to leave behind.

A drive home filled with animals

Tonight driving home late from working at the church I saw a deer and a raccoon. The deer was standing at the roadside waiting for me to pass before crossing the street with disinterest. If I had opened my door and reached out I probably could have touched it. The Raccoon scuttled across the street with a sense of purpose, no doubt out foraging in the traditional Raccoon way. It just makes me happy to see some sizable animals persisting even after we have snuffed out their contemporaries like candles. We have turned their homes into urban strip mall wastelands and reduced the forests to small patches of wooded areas choked with ornamental plants that spread like Triffids across the landscape and yet the persist and in some cases they even push back. Tonight I raise my beer to the species that refuse to go quietly into the night. I raise my glass to the Wolves that have not only recovered in Idaho but are now moving into Eastern Oregon despite the ranchers committing the sins of their fathers and trying to exterminate them yet again. I raise my glass to the Elk of Tillamook Oregon who spend the hunting season on the air museum lawn and local land owners gardens only returning to the huntable area just after the season closes. I tip my glass to the ubiquitous Coyote, yes you ate my neighbors pet rabbit but we took out your specie’s prey and covered your home in asphalt so I can’t fault you and in fact I wish you luck. I dedicate a sip to the Mountain Lion, the common mole, the Peregrine Falcons of New York, all the species that just won’t quit. I only wish the other large North American mammals were so lucky. What can I say; I have always loved nature and animals. My picture of Heaven is a wide undisturbed world teeming with life, a place of natural beauty to be explored with countless species to be catalogued. That’s why I am trying to become a marine biologist, conservation biologist and or an aquarist I was born with it in my blood. That is why tonight as I drove home I couldn’t help but smile and wish the animals that crossed my path godspeed.

If...

Be calm, be brave, it'll be okay...

Today was Elaine’s first doctors appointment, the one where they haul out the “observe the baby in its natural environment” machine. We were in this small tastefully decorated room, Elaine on the couch/bench/chair/electric thingy, and me in a small chair on the side. Our doctor fired up the machine and the screen filled with that grainy black and white haze that defies easy identification. Then there was a black void and in the center a single white spot, like a star, as I watched it flickered as the heart beat. I think I may have gotten a little bit misty. That’s when I noticed the doctor looked very concerned. The problem simply stated was and is this: our child is a normal healthy looking 5 week old baby but Elaine has been definitely pregnant for 8 or 9 weeks. The doctor was happy at least to see a heart beat but there are only two possibilities with this situation. The first being that Elaine released two eggs in delayed sequence the first getting fertilized and giving all the tests positive results but not developing while the second fertilized egg followed latter, keeping the tests positive but screwing with how far along we thought she was. The second option is that the child isn’t developing properly. If the kid isn’t growing Elaine will miscarriage before a week is over. On next Thursday we go back in to the hospital and get another ultrasound (with a higher resolution machine). That is when, barring something happening in between, we will find out whether our child will be pulling through. Elaine and I are doing ok, and I know we will be fine no matter what. It’s the waiting that’s hard, not knowing how to feel because it could go either way. High risk pregnancies must be hell. The weirdest thing is the possibility that all those plans we started making could become meaningless in a mere moment. It’s tense and since I found out this morning I have had trouble focusing on anything. My folks know, because my mom had called and I wasn’t going to lie about it. I told my sister too.
The thing I wanted though was to be with friends today. Friends who would want to know how I was doing but also that I would be able to just hangout with and not think about this morning.


I did talk to one of my friends tonight, because he called. It went like this in paraphrase.
Friend: “So how are things? Was your day ok?”
Me: “Today I found out that there is about a 50% or higher chance that Elaine will have a miscarriage this week. I won’t know until next Thursday if our kid will make it.”
Friend: “Oh man, I’m really sorry to hear that. I’ll let my wife know and we’ll pray for you guys.”
Me: “Thanks.”
Friend: “Yeah, my work has been rough this week, but your situation is worse. Well I just got home and I need to get some sleep. Let me know how that comes out.”
Me: *After he hangs up* “Thanks a lot…..jackass.”

Sometimes I think I am using the term friend in situations like this too liberally.