The end complete

Come break me down

Bury me, bury me
That’s what you get
When let heart win
Emotive unstable like an unwinding cable car

Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are

Glory, glorious.

Oh, I don't know how I was made.
And why do we like to hurt so much?
And why, all the possibilities
Well, I was wrong
I have a ringing in my head

And no one to help me answer it

Even with you close enough to kiss.
Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk
Say whatever you want

'Cause I can laugh it off.
But thinking about it can't help me let go, I know.
I must look like I'm running away

To you at your faster pace

I wonder what it is you could have seen, in me.
Glory, glorious.
We are glory, glorious.
Not from what good we have done
But from being the least.

Then your love came to me

Stood next to mine, and I saw that I was poor.
This is the correlation of salvation and love

Don't drop your arms
Don't soon forget
Grace marked your heart
Don't drop your arms

Elaine had the first shot at it so by this point much of what I would say would be just reiteration but blogs were built to be updated just as birds were built to fly. By now the results of the second ultrasound, our child’s death and Elaine’s subsequent medical care are well known. I compiled the choppy pseudo-poem thing at the front of the post entirely from a handful of songs/music videos that I watched almost exclusively during the 2 or 3 day crisis climax. I tried to use the lyrics to embody all I felt and arrange them in such a way to give an indication of my progression of thought. Lord only knows if it worked.
I almost put a post on my blog the very day before the second ultrasound and I was going to say something about how things were 90% angled towards a good resolution, that’s how confident I was, I am glad now I restrained myself. And what is there to say about it really? What do you do with it? That was where I stalled out. Because as early as it was in the pregnancy it was almost losing an idea, a possible future, something you wanted and was close enough to touch….just barley. I never even knew the gender, something that basic and we never even knew. I am ok with it now? Was I then? I don’t know. I was sitting there and when I first found out from the ultrasound tech I wanted to throw the novel I was reading at the wall. The bitterness being of course, everything else has gone wrong. But that passed and it passed quickly because I am one of those people who shunt the emotions aside to do what needs be done. “Ok, what do we do next? What are our options now?” Really it’s a survival method, keeps you functional even with the building falling around your feet. After that it fades back in slowly.
So, after the initial crisis after we reached decisions about what course of action to take, how did it feel? It was like this, a weary emptiness…and that “what do I do with what happened" feeling.
I mean I saw the heart beat….and now there isn’t anything…what do you do with that? It never even had a name or a gender that we knew but it was still our child…..what do I do with that? Helplessness is the shot and emptiness is the chaser. But it’s the kind of thing, at least for me, you don’t want to talk about…out with good friends, parties if you can find them, and a bit of alcohol that’s how you ease back into static life again. Still though depression from that and the, what I would term, betrayal by a friend in conjunction are still in my system somewhere and even though they aren’t constant companions they still drop by for visits every now and then.
But overall, Elaine and I are ok. I am really fine with the lost of my child, in the sense that I understand why it had to leave and I can support the reasons. A lot of people expect some anger towards God in this but I have none. He created the very complex biological systems that regulate our physical selves and he put in them safeguards. Our child was suffering from the curse of sin and death and rather than being born into this world with deep physical problems it was lucky enough to pass painlessly on to a future that I can only believe is better. If anything God has shown his love through the concern and prayers of our friends and church. In the comfort my wife has receive from God and can only raise my arms in praise.
And that’s where it ends, my faith in God and his fundamental goodness unshaken. I am doing well now, looking forward to trying again. Yes I am still sad sometimes but mild depression has been one of the few constants in my life.

You were the beauty, that we had to leave behind.