If...

Be calm, be brave, it'll be okay...

Today was Elaine’s first doctors appointment, the one where they haul out the “observe the baby in its natural environment” machine. We were in this small tastefully decorated room, Elaine on the couch/bench/chair/electric thingy, and me in a small chair on the side. Our doctor fired up the machine and the screen filled with that grainy black and white haze that defies easy identification. Then there was a black void and in the center a single white spot, like a star, as I watched it flickered as the heart beat. I think I may have gotten a little bit misty. That’s when I noticed the doctor looked very concerned. The problem simply stated was and is this: our child is a normal healthy looking 5 week old baby but Elaine has been definitely pregnant for 8 or 9 weeks. The doctor was happy at least to see a heart beat but there are only two possibilities with this situation. The first being that Elaine released two eggs in delayed sequence the first getting fertilized and giving all the tests positive results but not developing while the second fertilized egg followed latter, keeping the tests positive but screwing with how far along we thought she was. The second option is that the child isn’t developing properly. If the kid isn’t growing Elaine will miscarriage before a week is over. On next Thursday we go back in to the hospital and get another ultrasound (with a higher resolution machine). That is when, barring something happening in between, we will find out whether our child will be pulling through. Elaine and I are doing ok, and I know we will be fine no matter what. It’s the waiting that’s hard, not knowing how to feel because it could go either way. High risk pregnancies must be hell. The weirdest thing is the possibility that all those plans we started making could become meaningless in a mere moment. It’s tense and since I found out this morning I have had trouble focusing on anything. My folks know, because my mom had called and I wasn’t going to lie about it. I told my sister too.
The thing I wanted though was to be with friends today. Friends who would want to know how I was doing but also that I would be able to just hangout with and not think about this morning.


I did talk to one of my friends tonight, because he called. It went like this in paraphrase.
Friend: “So how are things? Was your day ok?”
Me: “Today I found out that there is about a 50% or higher chance that Elaine will have a miscarriage this week. I won’t know until next Thursday if our kid will make it.”
Friend: “Oh man, I’m really sorry to hear that. I’ll let my wife know and we’ll pray for you guys.”
Me: “Thanks.”
Friend: “Yeah, my work has been rough this week, but your situation is worse. Well I just got home and I need to get some sleep. Let me know how that comes out.”
Me: *After he hangs up* “Thanks a lot…..jackass.”

Sometimes I think I am using the term friend in situations like this too liberally.