“Everyone's a building burning
with no one to put the fire out.
Standing at the window looking out,
waiting for time to burn us down.”
“I've never felt so hollow.
I'm an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles.”
It’s easier to make light of a horrible thing and make it a joke than be completely forward with it, its how I’ve dealt with things most of my life. I am not good with emotions, dealing with them, mine or anyone else’s. A lot of that is a result of personality and my childhood, both of which are both joined anyway. That then pertains directly to my blog. I have taken the little points of my days at work and written them as humor, making light of things. You all know that I don’t like my job. But I have been depressed for weeks now. It’s been one of those black moments where I couldn’t even find the words to explain it, so I stopped blogging. I keep having these “what the hell am I doing with my life?” moments. I have no real plans and no real goals. When I was young I remember standing in the parking lot of the Hatfield Marine Science Center building and thinking some day I want to work here. And I did, for a summer. And the transition from coming close the achieving something to working a job that feels like a form intellectual prostitution has been harder these last weeks than it has before. (I call it a form of prostitution only because I am selling my life, my time, and my hobbies for a few bucks every two weeks.) I almost want to sign back up with ODFW and head back to the coast in June but I wont. And yes I know that at least I have a job etc. etc. but it consumes almost all my time and even then I am barley providing. To everything there is a positive side and a negative side and I have always been a pessimist. I am just lonely in this town that was my home feeling like a complete and predictable failure. So maybe I’ll start aiming for a masters, but after that what then? I am just setting the course at random. In those few moments when I talk to people about fish, the ocean, or any of the worlds I have created in my mind, or aquarium design I feel like I am waking up from a deep sleep. What the hell am I doing? There is no one in this town I can talk to except my wife. Damn do I miss California sometimes.
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3 comments:
I am hesitant to respond because I really don't want to sound trite... so take what I'm saying as an encouragement if you can! I think almost everyone goes through something like this at age 25-ish. You look at where you are, even if it's a job you like, and you wonder, "Is this really what life looks like? Go to work, eat, sleep, eat, go to work?" That doesn't diminish, however, that it still sucks and those feelings are very, very real. I don't have a whole lot of answers (not that you asked for them), but at least I can tell you that it is normal, and often it passes. Sometimes it prompts a life change, sometimes it teaches you contentment, sometimes it just sucks for awhile. Just wanted to say that I hear what you're saying, and that you're definitely not alone. California misses you, too! Even if L.A. is ugly.
I hear ya dude. I'm sorry it sucks so much.
California definitely misses you. But whenever you feel like leaving Oregon, remember this quote from Mr. Beaver: "There are the trees. They're always listening."
Well, I dunno if it helps any, but you are always welcome to call me if you want to complain about stuff or just talk or whatever.
We love you, and we'll support you whatever you do or don't do.
I love you forever... :)
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