If this job has taught me nothing else it has taught me this: drunken men love ferrets. Maybe it’s the animal’s quick and erratic movements. Maybe it’s the fur. Maybe it’s the cuteness. Whatever it is when some guy comes into the store drunk there is only one thing they have eyes for, the ferrets. They want to hold them and be near them. And we, being responsible, busy ourselves elsewhere and begin a waiting game, us vs. the drunk with the ferrets riding in the balance. I could write a very dull and plot less book out of all the drunk-to-ferret interactions at the store. But to you I submit my personal favorite:
Drunk Guy: “That’s an albino ferret.”
Me: “Yeah, yeah it is.”
DG: “You have albino ferrets?”
Me: “Uhhh Yeah, two of them actually.” Thinking *Like the one you just pointed at?*
DG: “That’s just cruel.”
Me: “Pardon?”
DG: “Albino ferrets, its cruel. They can’t walk, they can’t run or jump, its cruel.”
*Albino ferrets run around cage tackle a cinnamon colored one and take a flying leap at a hammock*
Me: “They seem to be able to run ok.” *I briefly consider trying to explain that an albino simply lacks pigment in skin and hair and then moving on to the genetics of it. Then, realizing that it would be an exercise in futility, I let it go.*
DG: *Looks at me with blurry disbelief* “They got pink eyes. The light hurts their poor little eyes.”
Me: “Well actually…”
DG: “They can’t see. They are helpless creatures.”
*The albino ferret stands on its haunches and looks at us both and then pins the cinnamon colored ferret.*
Me: “Our albino ferrets do just fine.” Thinking *Just look at the damn ferret! It could tackle a fricking Wildebeest skin pigment or not!*
DG: “Who would do that to an animal?”
Me: “You can get almost anything albino these days.”
DG: “Well I’ve never seen an albino woman.”
Me: *Touché* “Well….they exist, I assure you.”
The drunk guy shoots me one final look of blurry doubt and the puts out his hand. I figure if shaking this guys hand will help him move along so be it. I take it and give it a quick shake and then apparently the conversation is over. Out into the night goes the drunk leaving only the lingering scent of cheap wine.
Another time this drunk came in and he kept asking the same three questions:
"Where are ferrets from?"
"They are basically mice but they have cat feet how weird is that?" (After my third attempt to explain that ferrets aren’t rodents I gave up.)
"What do they eat?"
And he would ask them in sequence with no memory that I had just answered them. At some point I wanted to finish his sentences for him.
DG: “They are basically...”
Me interrupting: “…mice but have cat feet how weird is that. JINX, now you have to leave the store.”
Drunk Guy: “That’s an albino ferret.”
Me: “Yeah, yeah it is.”
DG: “You have albino ferrets?”
Me: “Uhhh Yeah, two of them actually.” Thinking *Like the one you just pointed at?*
DG: “That’s just cruel.”
Me: “Pardon?”
DG: “Albino ferrets, its cruel. They can’t walk, they can’t run or jump, its cruel.”
*Albino ferrets run around cage tackle a cinnamon colored one and take a flying leap at a hammock*
Me: “They seem to be able to run ok.” *I briefly consider trying to explain that an albino simply lacks pigment in skin and hair and then moving on to the genetics of it. Then, realizing that it would be an exercise in futility, I let it go.*
DG: *Looks at me with blurry disbelief* “They got pink eyes. The light hurts their poor little eyes.”
Me: “Well actually…”
DG: “They can’t see. They are helpless creatures.”
*The albino ferret stands on its haunches and looks at us both and then pins the cinnamon colored ferret.*
Me: “Our albino ferrets do just fine.” Thinking *Just look at the damn ferret! It could tackle a fricking Wildebeest skin pigment or not!*
DG: “Who would do that to an animal?”
Me: “You can get almost anything albino these days.”
DG: “Well I’ve never seen an albino woman.”
Me: *Touché* “Well….they exist, I assure you.”
The drunk guy shoots me one final look of blurry doubt and the puts out his hand. I figure if shaking this guys hand will help him move along so be it. I take it and give it a quick shake and then apparently the conversation is over. Out into the night goes the drunk leaving only the lingering scent of cheap wine.
Another time this drunk came in and he kept asking the same three questions:
"Where are ferrets from?"
"They are basically mice but they have cat feet how weird is that?" (After my third attempt to explain that ferrets aren’t rodents I gave up.)
"What do they eat?"
And he would ask them in sequence with no memory that I had just answered them. At some point I wanted to finish his sentences for him.
DG: “They are basically...”
Me interrupting: “…mice but have cat feet how weird is that. JINX, now you have to leave the store.”
5 comments:
Jeff... my housemates and I enjoyed this little anecdote, but wonder: what IS a ferret anyhow?
Awww. The poor helpless albino ferret. Is that even politically correct? I think I shall call them poor helpless pigmently challenged ferrets. How cruel of you to put them where their only amusement is staring at crazy drunk people. ;)
~Pammy
better get PETA on the line....
I like it: "pigmentaly challenged" ha ha ha
In general use, a ferret is a domestic ferret (Mustela putorius furo). Several other small, elongated carnivorous mammals belonging to the family Mustelidae also have the word "ferret" in their common names, including the endangered black-footed ferret. Ferrets are obligate carnivores; the natural diet of their wild ancestors consisted of whole small prey--meat, organs, bones, skin, feathers, fur--not just meat.
Mustelidae (from Latin mustela, weasel), commonly referred to as the weasel family, is a family of carnivorous mammals.
You will be happy to know that, now, ferrets make me think of you. They came up in conversation the other day... my housemates and I were sitting at happy hour, wondering if and where ferrets exist in the wild (your comment answered that) and ALSO ... the same about hamsters. None of us really understand hamsters. For example, if they DO live in the wild (which we doubt)... what do they use for an exercise wheel?
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