And it's true what you said. I live like a hermit in my own head.

“We are such practiced liars. There are oceans of depth in all the things we do not say.”

It’s something I have been thinking about for a long time. A lot of the things in relationships function on a background of lies, commonly what I refer to as lies of omission. And maybe they aren’t lies so much as a sort of practiced withholding. We play out relationships like a game of poker, holding most of our cards tightly concealed wondering what the other person is hiding. I am guilty of it too. For every word I say I have probably another three carefully tucked behind my lips. To call it lies is maybe too strong but how often do we put out misleading information about how we feel or what we think. What would it look like if we were completely honest with each other; If we could talk openly about what is bothering us and our thoughts about life and maybe even let what’s going on in the relationship be put out on the table. We keep it back, the friendship is drifting or failing and your friend starts cutting you out of their life and maybe we say something, maybe not. I just wonder, wouldn’t it be better if when a friend bothered you that it would be dealt with straight forwardly. If I am doing something my friends don’t approve of or if they are tiring of me, I would rather they be honest and tell me, even if it hurts.
I think that is the crux of it really. We withhold because if we were all honest a significant number of the relationships we have would die. We don’t share advice unless asked because we don’t want to be pushy, so we bottle it in. We don’t complain when friends start to cut us out unless it’s blatant and repeated because nobody likes a whiner. We avoid issues and subjects we disagree on because we can’t seem to talk about the subjects academically without an angry debate. We don’t share how we really feel because often it causes more trouble and resolves nothing and so many of the people we know think it is wrong to feel negatively about life anyway. We keep it all back so we can keep the status quo, keep things moving smoothly.
Not all relationships are like this obviously, I keep things back even in really good solid friendships. Holding in maybe just how much you love and miss a friend because you don’t know how to tell them. All the people you appreciate and admire but never found a way to tell them and so it stays as a quiet regret in your mind. I knew a girl once who lived next door. She was my sister’s age and I liked her a lot. I never told her how much I respected her. She actually asked me once if I ever thought of her as more than friends, and I lied and said no I hadn’t. Truth is I had but I thought the age difference would render the situation impossible for a serious relationship and so I thought my lie was protecting us both. One of those things in life I wish I could fix even though it’s too late.
I think generally the two most dishonest events in life are weddings and funerals. Weddings can really reflect the individuals but so many are the traditional cookie cutter ones that the bride and groom could be anybody. And after all, in most weddings they go out of their way to paint the couple in an excessively positive light to the point where they either invent portions of the couples history or gloss over any negative portions. I am sure you have been to a wedding where you know the couple ended up together at the cost of betrayal of someone else and still it’s the same shine applied over the top of it. “We can’t be honest but at least we can be complementary”. The way at weddings people act like the couple was specifically ordained by God and their entire lives lead up to this point. I mean my wife is the greatest blessing I have ever been given by God but I suffer no illusions that she is the only one I could have ever been with or that our marriage was the primary goal of my life.
Funerals are inherently dishonest. If no one can speak ill of the dead then how can we evaluate their life honestly? No one is perfect, and the struggle to be a good person despite our weakness is how character is measured. I watched a documentary for the band Death Cab for Cutie and Ben Gibbard was describing how he went to the funeral for one of his friend’s dads and everyone there knew this man had not been there for his family at all. Despite that, everyone got up and said nice things about him; big meaningless words that didn’t even come close to accurately portraying the man’s life. Gibbard in response suggested that it would be better for the family and would probably help them heal even more if everyone was just honest about the guy’s life. I couldn’t agree more. It’s something I have always thought about.
When I die I don’t want my life sugar-coated. I don’t want people to try to make me a saint. I only want someone who knows me, like my wife, to be my speaker for the dead. To just share my life, my many mistakes and trials and the few good things I did honestly. She would know the things I wanted to say to the people I loved but never got the chance. I don’t know that I even want a funeral per say. If I have to have one I want the song Some Seek Forgiveness Others Escape by Underoath. I think it perfectly balances the hope of Salvation through Christ, God’s deep love for us, and the pain and ugliness of life on this earth. My ashes can just be dumped in the ocean. It’s fitting I end there, one way or another.