I am at somewhat of a loss figuring out what has happened since I blogged last. Well I guess I’ll summarize as best as I can even if the substance behind the remembrances is lost. I have been reading Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad and I found a set of lines that perfectly encapsulates this.
“…No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one’s existence – that which makes its truth, its meaning – its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dream – alone…”
The idea has been on my mind of late driving alone in my car at sundown when the horizon puts on subtle pastels and jet contrails look like brushes drawn across the sky and you know that even as it passes before your eyes it will fade from your memory with no way to hold it or share it with anyone else.
Well anyway…so Christmas was pretty good this year. Elaine and I did the family circuit, which put me in mind of the fact that the holidays are times that we get together with our families and are reminded how much they drive us crazy, though the beer tasting party we had was fun (incidentally that proves how most anything can be exponentially better if alcohol is involved).
We went to California briefly to visit Mary and Eric which was a lot of fun. I went to a metal show with Eric which was a new experience (only time I have ever had to wear earplugs at a concert). The band was pretty good and I had a good time even if afterward when I tried to remember the songs they played I could only hear the song Jack Blacks band plays at the opening to School of Rock. We drank a lot of beer and played a ton of the game Okami. If I were to rank the top five people I enjoy getting tipsy with, spouse aside, it would have to look like this. They are arranged in an order that holds no significance.
1. Jason (Dawn’s fiancé)
2. Eric Youngdale (you made my top five…good work)
3. Greg Davis
4. Stacy (late of the St. Patrick’s Day adventure)
5. Ryan (even though it was only that once and all he did was get really tired)
Other than that I have just been applying to a few jobs and colleges. Not a whole lot to report.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Friday, December 19, 2008
maybe this is not your year
Once upon a time
When we were young
We thought we'd escape from it all
But we were wrong
Then unexpectedly
We’re in a dream
So faintly we didn’t notice
Or did we?
Enter the other side
It sounds like a lullaby
In this twilight
We are pale
On this frail side
Nothing else could be so real
Is it nostalgia?
Is it the sun?
Cause it wont leave us alone
And we’re still young
When we sat down to pray
If you saw my eyes
You’d know I just couldn’t close them
Not all night
Enter to the other side
It sounds like a lullaby
In this twilight
We are pale
On this frail side
Nothing else could be so real
When we were young
We thought we'd escape from it all
But we were wrong
Then unexpectedly
We’re in a dream
So faintly we didn’t notice
Or did we?
Enter the other side
It sounds like a lullaby
In this twilight
We are pale
On this frail side
Nothing else could be so real
Is it nostalgia?
Is it the sun?
Cause it wont leave us alone
And we’re still young
When we sat down to pray
If you saw my eyes
You’d know I just couldn’t close them
Not all night
Enter to the other side
It sounds like a lullaby
In this twilight
We are pale
On this frail side
Nothing else could be so real
Monday, November 10, 2008
Lights out, shoot up the station
Ladies and Gentlemen:
I present to you, for your enjoyment, an internet radio station that kicks ass. All you do is type in a band or a song and it makes a whole radio station that plays similar music. It’s worth a look.
Also, I am a janitor no more. After a mere two months they found a replacement of dubious quality. But I am not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. By the way if anyone is interested in the meaning of the phrase I will enlighten you.....
It is fairly clear one shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth because it would be rude to do so. Understanding the origin of the phrase further expands on meaning. There are two possible sources for the phrase “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” Both suggest it is impolite to inspect a horse’s teeth, which generally is a good indication of age and value. The receiver of the gift horse should instead prove him or herself grateful instead of trying to instantly examine the worth of the horse.
Now my only job is to get into a grad program...then once I am in find a new part time, degree correlated job. It never ends, I spend this life allways in transit.You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?
Good news on the procreation front. Our doctor, who rocks, has identified the problem. Apparently there is a critical low of progesterone. Thankfully the treatment is simple and 97% effective. Elaine will take supplementary doses until the placenta takes over and that should carry the pregnancy to term. Knowing the cause, and thus knowing that we can fix it makes this soooo much easier. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
The quiet things that no one ever knows
I had a dream yesterday afternoon. I dreamt that I had three fish tanks and all the tanks were connected by a series of tunnels. I was watching the tanks trying to make sure the fish were ok. For some reason a squid had gotten into the tanks. Since they were freshwater tanks I watched in disbelief thinking that the squid couldn’t survive in the tanks but the squid showed no adverse effects. I watched helpless as the squid moved quickly into the farthest tank on the left. In that tank were two dwarf Gourami’s they were both weak and the squid immediately pounced on them and ate them both as I pounded on the lid of the tank trying futilely to make it stop. Once the squid had finished with the fish it buried itself into the sand on the bottom of the tank apparently waiting for another fish to swim in. I grabbed the tank and sloshed it around trying to get the squid to swim out. My actions only stirred up the sand and revealed the body of a small sculpin that had died previously. The squid had only been temporarily dislodged from the sand and it reached over and grabbed the fish, a previous victim I believe, and reburied itself. Then I woke up then leaving the dream with the undying squid in the sand waiting and me powerless to do anything about it.
The meaning of the dream is simple. The fish are my children, the tank is my wife and the squid is the nameless undying thing that takes my children each in succession.
This is our second miscarriage. They were twins, most likely identical. I never thought about twins and indeed I never knew I had any particular desire for twins until they told us Elaine was carrying twins. I realized immediately that it was something I wanted and probably always had wanted. Identical twins especially were a hearts desire I never knew I had until now. It makes the loss all the more heartbreaking. It is a 1 in 100 chance to have twins, 1 in 100. To achieve and lose that is like winning an important contest and then finding out a week latter that because of a technicality the prize was sent back to the manufacturer. My initial response was despair and rage. Now I am just spent.
My feeling now is best summed up in the verse “Though he slay me yet I will follow Him.” But sometimes it’s so bitter…so bitter.
The meaning of the dream is simple. The fish are my children, the tank is my wife and the squid is the nameless undying thing that takes my children each in succession.
This is our second miscarriage. They were twins, most likely identical. I never thought about twins and indeed I never knew I had any particular desire for twins until they told us Elaine was carrying twins. I realized immediately that it was something I wanted and probably always had wanted. Identical twins especially were a hearts desire I never knew I had until now. It makes the loss all the more heartbreaking. It is a 1 in 100 chance to have twins, 1 in 100. To achieve and lose that is like winning an important contest and then finding out a week latter that because of a technicality the prize was sent back to the manufacturer. My initial response was despair and rage. Now I am just spent.
My feeling now is best summed up in the verse “Though he slay me yet I will follow Him.” But sometimes it’s so bitter…so bitter.
So keep the blood in your head
And keep your feet on the ground
If today's the day it gets tired
Today's the day we drop out
Friday, October 10, 2008
“I am from Canada and I have never seen anything like that.”
As I previously stated, I just returned from California. I went down for a week to visit friends from college. I could describe the trip in greater detail but there isn’t much to say, we did what we always do. It was a good trip, but short. It’s unfortunate that the people you love the most end up being the people the furthest away. We spent most of the trip in San Diego and drove from there home in one straight shot.
We drove through the night, the only incident of interest happening in Kettleman City.
I have stopped there every time I have driven from southern California to Portland for several reasons. First, it is the last In-N-Out you will see heading north out of LA and second, it is spaced perfectly for refueling.
We pulled in at about 11:45 to the chevron and I began to fuel the car while Elaine went in to grab me a soda and use the bathroom.
The Chevron gas station is joined to McDonalds, together forming a rectangle parallel to the freeway. There are four gas pumps in front with parking in the front and on one side where there are also bathrooms. The complex sits on a corner with roads in front of the pumps and then running downhill on the side opposite the bathrooms
While I was fueling, there was a white passenger van and a small Honda(?) with tinted windows parked down by the bathrooms with a group of guys standing around. These guys started to get really worked up about something but since I don’t speak Spanish I had no idea what was going on. At this point another guy walks out of the convenience store and, as soon as he sees the crowd by the bathroom, turns on his heel and flees, disappearing around the side of the McDonalds. The crowd by the cars sees the guy running and raised a shout, then piled into their cars and peeled out after him; the white van going around one side of the McDonalds and the car going around the other to head him off. As the cars disappear from line of sight a semi going down that road blasts its horn indicating that in his flight the guy had run out into the road.
Once they were gone the guy at the pump across from mine looks at me and says:
Guy: “I am from Canada and I have never seen anything like that.”
Me: “Yeah, I don’t even know what was going on.”
Guy: “Man I don’t have a clue.”
I then went back to waiting for the gas tank to fill. Moments later the guy who had been pursued came back around the corner by the bathrooms with the white van following about fifteen feet behind. The guy on foot had a handgun which he would periodically brandish at the guy in the van trying to get him to back off. The guy with the gun continued to walk up towards the pumps and when he got close enough, opened to driver’s door of our Subaru and jumped in! I immediately rushed forward and jumped into the passenger side, told him to get out, and pushed him out of the car.
He got out and continued to move toward the McDonalds. I at that point got back out of the car, shut the driver’s door and locked the car. By then the guy and the van had moved out of line of sight back around the McDonalds. At that point the other folks at the gas station began to think that maybe it wasn’t such a hot place to be. The few cars there began to peel out, aiming for the freeway. At that point I heard 4 to 5 gunshots fired on the other side of the McDonalds and then the white van rolled by going back up the road.
I waited for Elaine in the car while the Canadian guy left in a panic only to realize he prepaid his gas and return to harass the attendants for his money back (Elaine said he was screaming and cussing her out - and that she though he was the problem!). Elaine and I were the last car to leave and, once we got on the freeway, we saw two squad cars tearing down I-5 South aiming for Kettleman City.
I have always wondered when faced with a dangerous situation if I’d freeze and let fear get the best of me. Now I know that I will be fine. There was a moment when I first saw the gun that I felt myself shake, but it was only momentary. I didn’t leave the pump because the guy was focused on the van and I didn’t want to attract his attention. I didn’t want to be the guy who got people killed because he ran. So, as long as he was only seeing the van we were all relatively safe. When he got into our car I cursed myself for not locking it, but I wasn’t scared. In the fraction of a second before I got in the car I had three things run though my head:
1. An image of Elaine and I stranded in the middle of nowhere.
2. The thought "Not on my watch".
3. The idea that I couldn’t let the guy get away. If he was at the gas station he was contained but if he got away in my car armed and desperate he could hurt other people.
That, in the end, is what made me get in the car. The truth is that when I got in and pushed him, he was already on the way out since he didn’t see keys in the ignition. (Thankfully Elaine insisted that I not leave them in the car - just in case.)
So yeah…Kettleman City
“A Kettleman City gas station turned into a murder scene just before midnight on Tuesday night after a 33-year-old man was shot down by an unknown number of suspects. Kings County Sheriff's deputies were dispatched to the 27500 block of Ward Drive at 11:57 p.m. on a call of shots fired. When they arrived at the Kettleman City Chevron Gas Station, they found an unresponsive Hispanic male suffering from apparent gun shot wounds.Officers pronounced the man dead at the scene.The suspects were last seen fleeing the area in a white passenger van towards Highway 41.Investigators contacted regarding the case would not answer questions regarding the nature of the shooting, stating only that "the case is still being investigated at this time."
Other than his hometown of Portland, Ore. and his age, law enforcement officials are not releasing additional information on the victim until contact can be made with his next of kin. An autopsy on the victim is still pending as of this afternoon.Anyone with information on this case is requested to contact the Kings County Sheriff's Department at 582-3211, ext. 2790.”
- The Sentinel
We drove through the night, the only incident of interest happening in Kettleman City.
I have stopped there every time I have driven from southern California to Portland for several reasons. First, it is the last In-N-Out you will see heading north out of LA and second, it is spaced perfectly for refueling.
We pulled in at about 11:45 to the chevron and I began to fuel the car while Elaine went in to grab me a soda and use the bathroom.
The Chevron gas station is joined to McDonalds, together forming a rectangle parallel to the freeway. There are four gas pumps in front with parking in the front and on one side where there are also bathrooms. The complex sits on a corner with roads in front of the pumps and then running downhill on the side opposite the bathrooms
While I was fueling, there was a white passenger van and a small Honda(?) with tinted windows parked down by the bathrooms with a group of guys standing around. These guys started to get really worked up about something but since I don’t speak Spanish I had no idea what was going on. At this point another guy walks out of the convenience store and, as soon as he sees the crowd by the bathroom, turns on his heel and flees, disappearing around the side of the McDonalds. The crowd by the cars sees the guy running and raised a shout, then piled into their cars and peeled out after him; the white van going around one side of the McDonalds and the car going around the other to head him off. As the cars disappear from line of sight a semi going down that road blasts its horn indicating that in his flight the guy had run out into the road.
Once they were gone the guy at the pump across from mine looks at me and says:
Guy: “I am from Canada and I have never seen anything like that.”
Me: “Yeah, I don’t even know what was going on.”
Guy: “Man I don’t have a clue.”
I then went back to waiting for the gas tank to fill. Moments later the guy who had been pursued came back around the corner by the bathrooms with the white van following about fifteen feet behind. The guy on foot had a handgun which he would periodically brandish at the guy in the van trying to get him to back off. The guy with the gun continued to walk up towards the pumps and when he got close enough, opened to driver’s door of our Subaru and jumped in! I immediately rushed forward and jumped into the passenger side, told him to get out, and pushed him out of the car.
He got out and continued to move toward the McDonalds. I at that point got back out of the car, shut the driver’s door and locked the car. By then the guy and the van had moved out of line of sight back around the McDonalds. At that point the other folks at the gas station began to think that maybe it wasn’t such a hot place to be. The few cars there began to peel out, aiming for the freeway. At that point I heard 4 to 5 gunshots fired on the other side of the McDonalds and then the white van rolled by going back up the road.
I waited for Elaine in the car while the Canadian guy left in a panic only to realize he prepaid his gas and return to harass the attendants for his money back (Elaine said he was screaming and cussing her out - and that she though he was the problem!). Elaine and I were the last car to leave and, once we got on the freeway, we saw two squad cars tearing down I-5 South aiming for Kettleman City.
I have always wondered when faced with a dangerous situation if I’d freeze and let fear get the best of me. Now I know that I will be fine. There was a moment when I first saw the gun that I felt myself shake, but it was only momentary. I didn’t leave the pump because the guy was focused on the van and I didn’t want to attract his attention. I didn’t want to be the guy who got people killed because he ran. So, as long as he was only seeing the van we were all relatively safe. When he got into our car I cursed myself for not locking it, but I wasn’t scared. In the fraction of a second before I got in the car I had three things run though my head:
1. An image of Elaine and I stranded in the middle of nowhere.
2. The thought "Not on my watch".
3. The idea that I couldn’t let the guy get away. If he was at the gas station he was contained but if he got away in my car armed and desperate he could hurt other people.
That, in the end, is what made me get in the car. The truth is that when I got in and pushed him, he was already on the way out since he didn’t see keys in the ignition. (Thankfully Elaine insisted that I not leave them in the car - just in case.)
So yeah…Kettleman City
“A Kettleman City gas station turned into a murder scene just before midnight on Tuesday night after a 33-year-old man was shot down by an unknown number of suspects. Kings County Sheriff's deputies were dispatched to the 27500 block of Ward Drive at 11:57 p.m. on a call of shots fired. When they arrived at the Kettleman City Chevron Gas Station, they found an unresponsive Hispanic male suffering from apparent gun shot wounds.Officers pronounced the man dead at the scene.The suspects were last seen fleeing the area in a white passenger van towards Highway 41.Investigators contacted regarding the case would not answer questions regarding the nature of the shooting, stating only that "the case is still being investigated at this time."
Other than his hometown of Portland, Ore. and his age, law enforcement officials are not releasing additional information on the victim until contact can be made with his next of kin. An autopsy on the victim is still pending as of this afternoon.Anyone with information on this case is requested to contact the Kings County Sheriff's Department at 582-3211, ext. 2790.”
- The Sentinel
Well I confess, I don't know what to make from all this mess
So follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Well I suppose its time for me to reveal my performance on the GRE. I arrived home from California to find the final scores in a pile of mail on the kitchen counter. The results are disappointing, more so than I had initially anticipated. I scored a 600 on the verbal which puts me in the 85 percentile. The result of the math section was a score of 620 with a percentile rank of 65. The essay portion was a 3.5 out of a possible 6 leaving me sadly in the 20 percentile. Overall it was a pretty poor showing. I still am not sure if I should retake it. I suspect I won’t. Now I get to put everything together and try to begin the application process. Next week will be busy with that.
The weather has changed in Oregon. Fog gathers in the hallows now and the air is cold and carries the promise of winters arrival. I am rapidly running out of time. Despite that all I want to do is sleep and dull my mind with pointless diversions.
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Well I suppose its time for me to reveal my performance on the GRE. I arrived home from California to find the final scores in a pile of mail on the kitchen counter. The results are disappointing, more so than I had initially anticipated. I scored a 600 on the verbal which puts me in the 85 percentile. The result of the math section was a score of 620 with a percentile rank of 65. The essay portion was a 3.5 out of a possible 6 leaving me sadly in the 20 percentile. Overall it was a pretty poor showing. I still am not sure if I should retake it. I suspect I won’t. Now I get to put everything together and try to begin the application process. Next week will be busy with that.
The weather has changed in Oregon. Fog gathers in the hallows now and the air is cold and carries the promise of winters arrival. I am rapidly running out of time. Despite that all I want to do is sleep and dull my mind with pointless diversions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
