Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Jeff, The Drunk Guy, and the Ferrets
If this job has taught me nothing else it has taught me this: drunken men love ferrets. Maybe it’s the animal’s quick and erratic movements. Maybe it’s the fur. Maybe it’s the cuteness. Whatever it is when some guy comes into the store drunk there is only one thing they have eyes for, the ferrets. They want to hold them and be near them. And we, being responsible, busy ourselves elsewhere and begin a waiting game, us vs. the drunk with the ferrets riding in the balance. I could write a very dull and plot less book out of all the drunk-to-ferret interactions at the store. But to you I submit my personal favorite:
Drunk Guy: “That’s an albino ferret.”
Me: “Yeah, yeah it is.”
DG: “You have albino ferrets?”
Me: “Uhhh Yeah, two of them actually.” Thinking *Like the one you just pointed at?*
DG: “That’s just cruel.”
Me: “Pardon?”
DG: “Albino ferrets, its cruel. They can’t walk, they can’t run or jump, its cruel.”
*Albino ferrets run around cage tackle a cinnamon colored one and take a flying leap at a hammock*
Me: “They seem to be able to run ok.” *I briefly consider trying to explain that an albino simply lacks pigment in skin and hair and then moving on to the genetics of it. Then, realizing that it would be an exercise in futility, I let it go.*
DG: *Looks at me with blurry disbelief* “They got pink eyes. The light hurts their poor little eyes.”
Me: “Well actually…”
DG: “They can’t see. They are helpless creatures.”
*The albino ferret stands on its haunches and looks at us both and then pins the cinnamon colored ferret.*
Me: “Our albino ferrets do just fine.” Thinking *Just look at the damn ferret! It could tackle a fricking Wildebeest skin pigment or not!*
DG: “Who would do that to an animal?”
Me: “You can get almost anything albino these days.”
DG: “Well I’ve never seen an albino woman.”
Me: *Touché* “Well….they exist, I assure you.”
The drunk guy shoots me one final look of blurry doubt and the puts out his hand. I figure if shaking this guys hand will help him move along so be it. I take it and give it a quick shake and then apparently the conversation is over. Out into the night goes the drunk leaving only the lingering scent of cheap wine.
Another time this drunk came in and he kept asking the same three questions:
"Where are ferrets from?"
"They are basically mice but they have cat feet how weird is that?" (After my third attempt to explain that ferrets aren’t rodents I gave up.)
"What do they eat?"
And he would ask them in sequence with no memory that I had just answered them. At some point I wanted to finish his sentences for him.
DG: “They are basically...”
Me interrupting: “…mice but have cat feet how weird is that. JINX, now you have to leave the store.”
Drunk Guy: “That’s an albino ferret.”
Me: “Yeah, yeah it is.”
DG: “You have albino ferrets?”
Me: “Uhhh Yeah, two of them actually.” Thinking *Like the one you just pointed at?*
DG: “That’s just cruel.”
Me: “Pardon?”
DG: “Albino ferrets, its cruel. They can’t walk, they can’t run or jump, its cruel.”
*Albino ferrets run around cage tackle a cinnamon colored one and take a flying leap at a hammock*
Me: “They seem to be able to run ok.” *I briefly consider trying to explain that an albino simply lacks pigment in skin and hair and then moving on to the genetics of it. Then, realizing that it would be an exercise in futility, I let it go.*
DG: *Looks at me with blurry disbelief* “They got pink eyes. The light hurts their poor little eyes.”
Me: “Well actually…”
DG: “They can’t see. They are helpless creatures.”
*The albino ferret stands on its haunches and looks at us both and then pins the cinnamon colored ferret.*
Me: “Our albino ferrets do just fine.” Thinking *Just look at the damn ferret! It could tackle a fricking Wildebeest skin pigment or not!*
DG: “Who would do that to an animal?”
Me: “You can get almost anything albino these days.”
DG: “Well I’ve never seen an albino woman.”
Me: *Touché* “Well….they exist, I assure you.”
The drunk guy shoots me one final look of blurry doubt and the puts out his hand. I figure if shaking this guys hand will help him move along so be it. I take it and give it a quick shake and then apparently the conversation is over. Out into the night goes the drunk leaving only the lingering scent of cheap wine.
Another time this drunk came in and he kept asking the same three questions:
"Where are ferrets from?"
"They are basically mice but they have cat feet how weird is that?" (After my third attempt to explain that ferrets aren’t rodents I gave up.)
"What do they eat?"
And he would ask them in sequence with no memory that I had just answered them. At some point I wanted to finish his sentences for him.
DG: “They are basically...”
Me interrupting: “…mice but have cat feet how weird is that. JINX, now you have to leave the store.”
Jeff makes more enemies.
A couple comes up to the register with a coupon.
Guy: “I can’t find this item the….uh *consulting the coupon* mini-deluxe habitat. Where is it?”
Me: “It’s either over there on isle 1 by the window or on the rack by the tank.”
*The guy nods and plods off in search of his mini-deluxe habitat.*
Girl: “Why don’t you actually go and help him find it?” *said in the snottiest ‘you’re and idiot’ tone I have ever heard*
* So I walk over and find the item*
Me: “Here it is sir.”
Guy: “That’s not it.”
Me: *pointing to the tag that says mini-deluxe habitat* “The mini-deluxe habitat? I believe it is.”
Guy: “The sku on the coupon isn’t that same. That’s not it.”
Me: “That’s the coupon sku; it’s not the same as the item sku.”
Guy: *with agitation* “The numbers different, and the coupon one is for a kit” *he points at the picture on the coupon which shows the habitat with a Betta and a plant in it.*
Me: “It’s not a kit. They just did that to give people ideas about what they could use it for.”
Guy: *now looking at me like he wants to flay me alive* “Then why did they make it look like a kit in the picture”
Me: “Because it’s a pathetically small plastic cage and that’s the only way they could make it look half-way decent. There are other things you could use the coupon for.”
*at this point the girl comes around the corner*
Girl: *looking at me with anger and distrust* “What’s going on?”
Guy: “He is trying to tell me that this is the cage and it’s not a kit.”
Girl: “Well we can always go to another Petco.” *and then directs a glare at me so I know that she finds me repulsively incompetent*
Me: “Feel free to but the cage will be the same there.”
Guy: “Well can I credit the coupon towards a kit?”
Me: “Can you use it towards another aquarium?” *caught off guard by the request*
Guy: “Yeah can I use it to get what you’re calling the mini-deluxe habitat and then return it and use the credit towards a kit and then pay the difference.”
Me: *thinking* “The mini habitat if returned would get you zero dollars in exchange!! What kind of madness is this?! Sure sir, here’s a blank gift card with the credit of your return the balance is at zero.”
But what I said was:
“No, I am sorry but the coupon is for that tank, it is what it is.”
Guy: “Ok, can you get me a manager.” *cold rage folks*
Girl: “Yeah, seriously.”
Now for all those out there wondering what a Deluxe-Mini Habitat is I present to you, the object of the couples desire and reason for wanting me dead, the Mini-Deluxe Habitat.
I told you it was a piece of crap.
Guy: “I can’t find this item the….uh *consulting the coupon* mini-deluxe habitat. Where is it?”
Me: “It’s either over there on isle 1 by the window or on the rack by the tank.”
*The guy nods and plods off in search of his mini-deluxe habitat.*
Girl: “Why don’t you actually go and help him find it?” *said in the snottiest ‘you’re and idiot’ tone I have ever heard*
* So I walk over and find the item*
Me: “Here it is sir.”
Guy: “That’s not it.”
Me: *pointing to the tag that says mini-deluxe habitat* “The mini-deluxe habitat? I believe it is.”
Guy: “The sku on the coupon isn’t that same. That’s not it.”
Me: “That’s the coupon sku; it’s not the same as the item sku.”
Guy: *with agitation* “The numbers different, and the coupon one is for a kit” *he points at the picture on the coupon which shows the habitat with a Betta and a plant in it.*
Me: “It’s not a kit. They just did that to give people ideas about what they could use it for.”
Guy: *now looking at me like he wants to flay me alive* “Then why did they make it look like a kit in the picture”
Me: “Because it’s a pathetically small plastic cage and that’s the only way they could make it look half-way decent. There are other things you could use the coupon for.”
*at this point the girl comes around the corner*
Girl: *looking at me with anger and distrust* “What’s going on?”
Guy: “He is trying to tell me that this is the cage and it’s not a kit.”
Girl: “Well we can always go to another Petco.” *and then directs a glare at me so I know that she finds me repulsively incompetent*
Me: “Feel free to but the cage will be the same there.”
Guy: “Well can I credit the coupon towards a kit?”
Me: “Can you use it towards another aquarium?” *caught off guard by the request*
Guy: “Yeah can I use it to get what you’re calling the mini-deluxe habitat and then return it and use the credit towards a kit and then pay the difference.”
Me: *thinking* “The mini habitat if returned would get you zero dollars in exchange!! What kind of madness is this?! Sure sir, here’s a blank gift card with the credit of your return the balance is at zero.”
But what I said was:
“No, I am sorry but the coupon is for that tank, it is what it is.”
Guy: “Ok, can you get me a manager.” *cold rage folks*
Girl: “Yeah, seriously.”
Now for all those out there wondering what a Deluxe-Mini Habitat is I present to you, the object of the couples desire and reason for wanting me dead, the Mini-Deluxe Habitat.
I told you it was a piece of crap.
Jeff Makes an Enemy
So awhile back a guy came in to the store wanting to make a return and on that day I made a mortal enemy. So this guy walks up to the desk lays down a receipt and says that he wants to return a hamster cage as a corner was broken when he bought it. Then came the madness. Yeah, believe it or not he didn’t have the broken cage with him. He wanted me to give him a new cage and trust him to bring back the broken one latter after he had moved the hamster to its new home. After I patiently explained that I couldn’t trade the nothing he brought for a new cage (and mind you he was PISSED) he said that all he wanted was a replacement bottom to the cage and I said sure we can do that but I would need the broken piece to do the trade. He seemed mollified and so I went back to helping another customer. Only then he came back up to the front and told my co-worker that I had said that we would let him leave the store with a new cage bottom. So I turned around and had to explain yet again that we couldn’t make the trade. He stormed and raged and threatened to return the cage, the hamster, and everything hamster related he owned. He threatened to take his business elsewhere. Which I always think is funny that the worst customers do that. Do they really think we would care? We have been dreaming of that day since the first time they bitched about waiting in line for 24 seconds. At any rate he threw a tantrum all about how he bought the cage in good faith and we betrayed him and how I was an idiot etc. etc. The whole time the only thing I said was “I am sorry you feel that way. But surly you have to recognize my position, I want to help but my hands are tied.” Yeah he didn’t recognize my position. The only nice part was the people I had been helping whispered to my co-worker during his tirade “Do you want us to explain to this idiot that you could lose your job for doing what he’s asking?”
Ha, Vindication!
Return of the hamster guy
So four days latter I am at work. Which is the story of my life right now, but no matter. I was working in the back and when I came back to the front all my co-workers said:
Coworker: “This guy came in and he hated you. What did you do?”
Me: “I’ve only been on duty a half-hour. I have no idea. What did he want?”
Coworker: “He returned a hamster cage that had a tiny little crack in one corner.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh right, the hamster guy.”
Coworker: “Yeah, he said he wanted to talk to a manager and that he wanted to return his hamster and then he changed his mind because he liked his hamster. When I asked why he mentioned it he said that there was some little, pimple faced, 18 year old manager who wouldn’t help him. He said that the hamster was peeing out of the crack onto his furniture.”
Me: “Good for the hamster I hope it ruins his entire sofa set.”
Ha, Vindication!
Return of the hamster guy
So four days latter I am at work. Which is the story of my life right now, but no matter. I was working in the back and when I came back to the front all my co-workers said:
Coworker: “This guy came in and he hated you. What did you do?”
Me: “I’ve only been on duty a half-hour. I have no idea. What did he want?”
Coworker: “He returned a hamster cage that had a tiny little crack in one corner.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh right, the hamster guy.”
Coworker: “Yeah, he said he wanted to talk to a manager and that he wanted to return his hamster and then he changed his mind because he liked his hamster. When I asked why he mentioned it he said that there was some little, pimple faced, 18 year old manager who wouldn’t help him. He said that the hamster was peeing out of the crack onto his furniture.”
Me: “Good for the hamster I hope it ruins his entire sofa set.”
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
blogs frozen in time
I have been busy. My blog reflects this. I have not been busy doing anything important or anything fun really. I just work; sometimes it feels like it’s all I do. So today I have a brief moment to take the time to write an update and here I sit in some library realizing that it is very hard to write in libraries. Between the screaming kids running up and down the stairs and the fact that I am sitting shoulder to shoulder with complete strangers I feel my writing impulse curbed. This is the sort of environment that leads to updates like “Things here are good…Tonight I am going to eat cheesecake…I recently bowled.” It's all very dull. Not to say that this isn’t. My blog until I posted today had stopped moving forward. It had become not a present description of my life but a relic. I have run across other blogs that stop at some point and stay that way. A blog that saw its last post in 1998 is a monument to a dead man even if they are still alive in 2007.
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