And it's true what you said. I live like a hermit in my own head.

“We are such practiced liars. There are oceans of depth in all the things we do not say.”

It’s something I have been thinking about for a long time. A lot of the things in relationships function on a background of lies, commonly what I refer to as lies of omission. And maybe they aren’t lies so much as a sort of practiced withholding. We play out relationships like a game of poker, holding most of our cards tightly concealed wondering what the other person is hiding. I am guilty of it too. For every word I say I have probably another three carefully tucked behind my lips. To call it lies is maybe too strong but how often do we put out misleading information about how we feel or what we think. What would it look like if we were completely honest with each other; If we could talk openly about what is bothering us and our thoughts about life and maybe even let what’s going on in the relationship be put out on the table. We keep it back, the friendship is drifting or failing and your friend starts cutting you out of their life and maybe we say something, maybe not. I just wonder, wouldn’t it be better if when a friend bothered you that it would be dealt with straight forwardly. If I am doing something my friends don’t approve of or if they are tiring of me, I would rather they be honest and tell me, even if it hurts.
I think that is the crux of it really. We withhold because if we were all honest a significant number of the relationships we have would die. We don’t share advice unless asked because we don’t want to be pushy, so we bottle it in. We don’t complain when friends start to cut us out unless it’s blatant and repeated because nobody likes a whiner. We avoid issues and subjects we disagree on because we can’t seem to talk about the subjects academically without an angry debate. We don’t share how we really feel because often it causes more trouble and resolves nothing and so many of the people we know think it is wrong to feel negatively about life anyway. We keep it all back so we can keep the status quo, keep things moving smoothly.
Not all relationships are like this obviously, I keep things back even in really good solid friendships. Holding in maybe just how much you love and miss a friend because you don’t know how to tell them. All the people you appreciate and admire but never found a way to tell them and so it stays as a quiet regret in your mind. I knew a girl once who lived next door. She was my sister’s age and I liked her a lot. I never told her how much I respected her. She actually asked me once if I ever thought of her as more than friends, and I lied and said no I hadn’t. Truth is I had but I thought the age difference would render the situation impossible for a serious relationship and so I thought my lie was protecting us both. One of those things in life I wish I could fix even though it’s too late.
I think generally the two most dishonest events in life are weddings and funerals. Weddings can really reflect the individuals but so many are the traditional cookie cutter ones that the bride and groom could be anybody. And after all, in most weddings they go out of their way to paint the couple in an excessively positive light to the point where they either invent portions of the couples history or gloss over any negative portions. I am sure you have been to a wedding where you know the couple ended up together at the cost of betrayal of someone else and still it’s the same shine applied over the top of it. “We can’t be honest but at least we can be complementary”. The way at weddings people act like the couple was specifically ordained by God and their entire lives lead up to this point. I mean my wife is the greatest blessing I have ever been given by God but I suffer no illusions that she is the only one I could have ever been with or that our marriage was the primary goal of my life.
Funerals are inherently dishonest. If no one can speak ill of the dead then how can we evaluate their life honestly? No one is perfect, and the struggle to be a good person despite our weakness is how character is measured. I watched a documentary for the band Death Cab for Cutie and Ben Gibbard was describing how he went to the funeral for one of his friend’s dads and everyone there knew this man had not been there for his family at all. Despite that, everyone got up and said nice things about him; big meaningless words that didn’t even come close to accurately portraying the man’s life. Gibbard in response suggested that it would be better for the family and would probably help them heal even more if everyone was just honest about the guy’s life. I couldn’t agree more. It’s something I have always thought about.
When I die I don’t want my life sugar-coated. I don’t want people to try to make me a saint. I only want someone who knows me, like my wife, to be my speaker for the dead. To just share my life, my many mistakes and trials and the few good things I did honestly. She would know the things I wanted to say to the people I loved but never got the chance. I don’t know that I even want a funeral per say. If I have to have one I want the song Some Seek Forgiveness Others Escape by Underoath. I think it perfectly balances the hope of Salvation through Christ, God’s deep love for us, and the pain and ugliness of life on this earth. My ashes can just be dumped in the ocean. It’s fitting I end there, one way or another.

We were drifting...and it was night

My wife and I baby-sat for a friend the last couple days and as you can imagine its got me thinking about kids. Its sorta werid because I do want kids eventually but I dont have any great affinity for babies or toddlers. In fact I only really start to really enjoy kids when they get old enough to think. If you cant really talk to them I am at a loss. Its almost like little kids arent fully sentient. The dad of the baby girl we sat for said that when they are little its like they dont have souls yet. (And ladies before you decide he must die, realize what he meant not the litteral words that were spoken). I feel similarly. I look forward to my wife being pregnant. Which I am sure sounds weird. I dont know, something about going through the new expirience together really appeals to me, that and the fact that she'll be a hottie when she's pregant. But after the baby is born I almost wish we could just skip the whole baby-toddler portion and go right into whatever age it is when you can talk to them. It creates a odd sort of tension this desire for a part of it but not the whole.

Happy Birthday, I hope you're doing fine.

Today I had a quasi-Thanksgiving Day celebration with my parents and my wife’s folks. It was pretty fun; food was good and all that. We had it today because my folks will be out east with my sister on the actual Thanksgiving. It was odd not having my sister here for the holiday. I had to remind myself on the way over that she wouldn’t be here. Honestly it lacked something, this whole event, without her. She was always my ally on family trips. She was the one who hid out with me in my grandparents basement when we visited, playing ping-pong to pass the time. My sister and I have always been pretty close. I haven’t seen her much since I went away to college in California and when I came back she had left to Pennsylvania for college. Still I love her a lot and miss her. I think this was the first holiday where we weren’t together for it.

we can be happy underground

So a spot of news for anyone following my current job quest I have news. I actually start at Petco next week. I now have two brutally early shifts gaining me a total of 16.5 whopping hours. It’s a start. I felt like an idiot though when I called and they told me they were planning on calling me on Saturday anyway. In the mean-time and during I guess I will continue with helping out around my folk’s house.
In the front yard today I noticed that all the oak leaves that came down last night were all sticking straight in the air point side up. It looked like a graveyard, each leaf a last testament to something. I had hoped to attach each marker with something significant but the combination of the grass and the oaks only made me think of squirrels. And so it really seemed like the graves were in honor of all the small woodland creatures that are going to meet their own personal Waterloo’s this Christmas season. (Or if you prefer; the small woodland creatures fated to meet the elephant.)
As an aside to that did anyone else study the Oregon Trail much or play the video game perhaps? My wife who grew up in Michigan missed the whole deal. For us growing up in Oregon that was just part of the package. “You shot a Buffalo and recovered 800 pounds of meat. You can carry 12 oz. If you continue hunting in this region the game will become scarce. John has died of snakebite.” Sorry about that I waxed nostalgic and ran into some trouble coming back.
Things have been low key for me; I have spent the last bit reading A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. It’s a really good book and I honestly must say he is a very good author. Not only is he witty, relying heavily on the highest form of humor absurdity but his plots are fairly interesting and well constructed (i.e. Fluke). He is something like Douglas Adams. Though I must admit I doubt there will ever be another equal to Douglas Adams, the man was a genius. Moore does a similar style of humor though and it’s good. If you like both authors I recommend you take a look at Leave It To Psmith by Wodehouse, you’ll love it its hilarious. I was thinking today about a book I read at Borders one night that tried for the same feel as the above authors. It was called Ogre Company and though the concept wasn’t bad it just wasn’t that funny and the plot lines weren’t well handled. It almost made me sad. I mean you could tell the author tried to make the book work and I know writing isn’t easy so it’s sad to see someone try really had and then have it fall through anyway. I guess I can sympathize with failure despite effort because it’s a fairly regular thing for me
Actually on the topic I always feel bad when I see a new small specialty store open up in a location that has doomed several others. I guess I just see the store as an embodiment of someone’s dream and I can see the figurative steam roller on the horizon on its way to flatten the person’s hopes. I carry my dreams as intangibles inside my head and use them to fill daydreams. I suppose we all have to get used to the fact that in life we will if lucky get to live some form of our dreams if the whole of them are usually impossible. To quote Fight Club “We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.”
Well maybe I’m not pissed off. I am just resigned to my limitations and determined to be the best man I can be without trying to pretend that they aren’t there.
Speaking of being pissed off I need to go so I can get home on time.
Good night all.
Hypothetically Yours,
Jeff “I didn’t know it was loaded” Eckmann

Too much Christmas spirit.

With Christmas coming up I was thinking about the whole idea of parents telling their kids that Santa exists. I decided that when I have kids I won’t feed them the whole Santa lie. The gifts they get will come from who bought them not some mythical, chimney jumping, fat man. I think that when the inevitable “Why do the other kids say there is a Santa?” conversation comes up the kid will appreciate my honesty, maybe not right at that moment…but eventually. “Why?...Because the other kids parents lied to them which is something I wont do to you. Oh and by the way since you know all these other kids have been duped you should feel glad you aren’t one of them.”
I think the best parents are honest with there kids and take them seriously. I mean how much does it suck to find out your parents were just trying to be festive when they got you to believe that ridiculous crap about some flying reindeer.
The worst holiday deception idea I have ever heard was related to Halloween. I knew this girl who actually suggested, as a means for parents to get a bit of candy, that the parents make up a monster give it a frightening back-story and tell the kid that if they didn’t leave candy out for the monster it would do something horrific to them. Now just how messed up is that.

Loosing the fall.

Tonight was another of those nights that I really wanted to go to a party. In theory the party would be similar to the costume party I just had. On nights like this I would love nothing better than to spend an evening with my friends from home and my friends from California, with everybody drinking and everybody loud as hell and laughing. I guess sometimes it just feels good to forget about what’s going on and just loss your self in loud friends or loud music. A part of me will always miss the high school parties and the endless nights in college with video games and movies. It was kind of a rough day for me. My job I am supposed to have has yet to give me hours. And though I know the reasons are probably completely valid just unknown to me it is still discouraging. Sweet I am hired……I am hired right? Sooo can I come by the store….? So tomorrow I need to do something about actually finding a way to work the job I have. Come on Petco…you said we were friends. Anyway, in the meantime I continue to look for jobs that actually would allow me to use all that school I worked so damn hard for. (Ok I mostly worked damn hard for…..there were those first two years of college). So in the meantime my parents have hired me on to do yard work for them so I can pay my bills. I am grateful for the opportunity but I feel really really pathetic having to take the job. Though I am able to make light of all this mess it has still be a very discouraging series of setbacks and failures. Oh well remember me in your prayers.
Tonight although I was unable to attend a party of my choosing or go to a rave or a post-punk show and I went to my bible study instead. And I had a good time, though sometimes I still feel awkward and shy around everybody its good to see them all. And the joking banter I had hoped to find Rob graciously provided, that guy cracks me up. Thirteen o’clock and a ferret….a ferret with an electric drill… That’s all I got. You see what I did with Rob was I took all the main jokes from our chat and put them together. See it’s all in one sentence. What I did Rob was I combined them. See its funny ‘cause…
You know I still am not quite sure what to write in these blogs I have heard Steve writes movie reviews and Eric writes about his life. Ryan’s last post to my knowledge was a laudable defense of To Kill a Mocking Bird. I guess mine will be like one of those abridged Christmas letters people send out (“Everyone here is fine. We have a new address from last year because of the terrible fire. James is playing the part of a possum in the new school play etc. etc.”) The thing about my life right now is I have no annoying or, in Eric’s case hot, coworkers to deal with. Currently it is I with a rake engaged in a silent and losing war against the fall. I guess the job thing is pretty big. I did find a job doing entry-level field biology with the city and I really really hope they hire me. Other than that though …oh my wife is going to bed. So I guess if we are all lucky and very very good the blog fairy will delete this post and slip a quarter into our computers hard-drive.
If you have skimmed this or actually read it I thought I would direct you to some other blogs that I am sure would be of more interest than mine.
http://oneagainstthebes.blogspot.com/ Belongs to Ryan. He is easily one of the most intelligent, funniest and coolest guys I know. I don’t think I have ever told him but we all quietly wish we were more like him….I guess that makes me his sidekick …damn.
http://ctrlaltdel-bud.blogspot.com/ Belongs to Eric. He is one of the most loyal friends I have ever had, he is solid and dependable and an all around really sweet guy. They are both close friends of mine and I hope you enjoy their blogs. Now I go forth to wash dishes.

pants-less fuzzy animals

Ok I am sure this is something that has already been discussed to death but I still have to wonder. What’s up with partially clothed stuffed animals? I specifically mean the ones lacking pants. I just find it odd that someone would go to the trouble to give a bear a shirt and then grow disinterested and stop before fashioning the pants. I mean if the bear is modest enough for a shirt…I don’t think said bear would forget the pants. If this were a real bear (and provided they did let bears into stores at all) it would get removed from a 7-11 for indecent exposure. And yet the same bear is given to children who look at its dopey grin and wonder if they too could be that happy if they were brave enough to put on the shirt but if even for just a day abandon the pants.
The cute children’s animals lacking a shirt I can understand…unless said animal is decked out with a bow or other paraphernalia identifying the animal as female. That is another of those things that make one eyebrow arch.
So seriously, bears without pants…discuss.

Airplanes in Sunsets

If you are ever at the Portland International airport and you need to utilize the short term parking structure I suggest parking on level 7. The view from the top is gorgeous, even on these winter days when the light is dim and the rain comes in slant-ways torrents. The best time to be there is a mid-summer sunset, when it’s mostly clear and Mt Hood is full view. The colors are gorgeous. There is something serene and relaxing about watching the planes land from the east with the mountain reflecting the sunset behind them.
In all honesty there is beauty around us in one form or another pretty much all the time, especially here in Portland. In LA you can’t see stars as a rule. The only constellations that the sky affords are the landing lights of the planes on approach to LAX. Even that on a warm summer night was beauty. I never thought I would miss LA and yet sometimes….

Its time to admit we are lost.

I don’t really know why I am made this, which is what I said about creating a myspace page. I don’t know it just seems presumptuous to think people would want to hear what I have to say. I mostly started this to follow in Ryan and Eric’s footsteps. As if doing the same things could act as a bridge over the distance from here to California. I can see why this is popular. You throw your words into the void without the discomfort of actual communication. It is a confessional of sorts. A good way to start the blog then is to let my Californian friends know that I love them and miss them a lot. You guys are my closest friends. Not much else to add for tonight. Just put this thing up and thought it should have some writing in it.